Thwip! Watch – Riverdale – S01E12 – “Anatomy of a Murder”

Thwip! Watch is all about what goes on our screens, namely TV. Whether CW or Fox or NBC or what-have-you, you can be sure that we here at Thwip! have been watching it. Today we are going to talk about Riverdale.

**WARNING POTENTIAL SPOILERS**

More stream-of-consciousness review of our favorite murder drama, Riverdale.

  1. Hello all, I still have no burgers
  2. Damn, Veronica just lays down her smackdown as she deals with Betty’s stupidness
  3. Wow, they are telling the truth? Biggest shocker
  4. Yeah Alice, geez, you forget it was your stupid plan?
  5. Damn, Mary is still the voice of reason…how weird to have a normal parent in this town
  6. Hey, Betty and Archie are texting again!
  7. Will we ever see Jellybean?
  8. Go Mudhens!
  9. Also, Jughead’s escape route is fairly obvious
  10. Damn, Jughead’s mom is also stone cold…really sad (no sarcasm)
  11. I really do like Jughead’s suit
  12. Hermione has an escape plan! (or at least a reason to escape)
  13. How crazy psychotic is Hiram Lodge?
  14. Also, why didn’t the Lodges name Veronica an “H” name?
  15. Really love the colors of this show
  16. This Betty and Archie looking for Jughead is kind of a nice throwback to some old Archie stories
  17. Goddamn Veronica is ridiculously logical…she is the real hero of the show
  18. Plus, Ronnie’s coat is awesome
  19. This is an intense interrogation scene, but still not as intense as everyone else
  20. Since you know what Archie looks like, was it a really big leap to think Jason is a Blossom?
  21. Hands up if anyone believes FP’s story?
  22. Wait, how did we know about the freezer? There was no evidence of that in the autopsy report
  23. I wonder who FP is protecting
  24. Don’t say it FP!
  25. Is this the straw that breaks Jughead’s back? The music says, “YES!”
  26. I forgot that there is an opening “sequence” to this show….thankfully it is very brief
  27. Oh god, not the milkshakes again!
  28. Who did Polly think killed Jason?
  29. No Clifford, that’s a, “I am going to kill you if you tell the truth FP” look
  30. I forgot that Riverdale has daylight
  31. Shit!
  32. Damn, Jughead took that straight up
  33. This ain’t my Weatherbee
  34. Also, it was clear that Cheryl was hitting Jughead…
  35. Another also, CHERYL SHOULD BE TALKING TO A COUNSELOR BY NOW! At least school-mandated counseling.
  36. Seriously, the adults suck in this idyllic American town
  37. Oh my god, is that the new ideal? Adults being asses?
  38. Jughead is right, the only way to prove FP’s innocence is to find the real killer! (classic plot! Classic Archie plot! [but with less murder])
  39. Archie defends Jughead! This is why you love the red-head
  40. That explains a lot…Mary Andrews is a lawyer instead of a real estate agent
  41. Uh oh, Fred lost his cool
  42. BUT THEN WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF JUGHEAD?
  43. This is when Fred should call Jughead’s mom…she is still technically his guardian, at least she could transfer guardianship to the Andrews’s
  44. HOLY SHIT! WHY DOES ALICE HAVE A GUN?
  45. THIS IS WHY YOU NEED GUN CONTROL AMERICA! YOU JUST GAVE ALICE COOPER A GUN!
  46. I don’t think even the real Alice Cooper has a gun…
  47. Hal, you know your wife is a psyho, why did you break in? Especially since I am sure that you know your wife has a gun.
  48. Seriously Hal? That’s a weaksauce argument, NOT WORTH COMMITTING A FEDERAL CRIME OVER!
  49. That’s one weird twist…apparently Coopers and Blossoms were one family.
  50. Wait, does that mean Jason and Polly committed incest?
  51. Yup, they did
  52. But it’s okay, they are ridiculously far-flung relatives, baby should be fine
  53. This is one seriously melodramatic twist.
  54. “Sorry to disturb the Witching Hour of Thornhill!” – man that’s a one weird burn Alice
  55. Wow, Alice is just wielding this new information like a whip.
  56. I almost want to look up what does incest mean, but I am sure that that’s going to raise some flags.
  57. THANK YOU CLIFFORD! (what a weird thing to say)
  58. Okay, really? Eugenics? People, learn your science.
  59. Where’s Dilton? He can fix this.
  60. A little bit of an understatement Mary…
  61. Man, they are putting Jughead through the wringer.
  62. Yeah, cleaned up FP was such a weird turnaround.
  63. I am fairly sure that this conversation between FP and Jughead should not be done in the jail cell.
  64. Kind of obvious that FP is pushing Jughead away to protect him.
  65. Jughead must have watched “Harry and the Hendersons,” he should realize this!
  66. I miss Lodge mansion.
  67. “Sherrif’s son” is not an actual position of authority…
  68. More unraveling of the story!
  69. Well shit, Joaquin actually saw the body…
  70. No shit Kevin, he is a Southside Serpent, he definitely has a few misdemeanors at least.
  71. Man, so many of these people are withholding evidence, not a good thing.
  72. Oh good, Jughead didn’t buy it
  73. That is a fairly shocking scene actually, so it is an appropriate reaction.
  74. Good job Ronnie, throw daddy under the bus.
  75. Poor Fred, trying to be an actual good parent in a crazy mixed up world…
  76. Poor Hermione, trying to be an actually decent wife in this crazy mixed up world…
  77. That was a really long kiss
  78. So they are sticking to the same story? Such a strong relationship between Clifford and Penelope Blossom
  79. Dang Penelope, you such a psycho (this seems to be a recurring theme)
  80. I am afraid of this barn.
  81. It’s full of…syrup! Wait, what…?
  82. Actually, genuine maple syrup is very expensive, remember that big maple syrup heist in Canada several years ago?
  83. What? Am I the only one who pays attention to the news?
  84. Let’s see what Joaquin’s trail left us….
  85. WEAR GLOVES KIDS! Goddamit, now you are tampering with evidence and accidentally destroying clues.
  86. STOP TOUCHING THE JACKET!
  87. DON’T LET HIM WEAR THE JACKET!
  88. Ugh, no one learns anything from CSI…
  89. STOP HANDLING THE EVIDENCE!
  90. At least it’s a USB drive, so the evidence is more inside than out, but still, fingerprints!
  91. Who thinks the drive contains a sex tape?
  92. Okay, the suspense is killing me
  93. I am forgetting to breathe
  94. YOU GOTTA SHOW US!
  95. What the hell is Cheryl wearing?
  96. FUCK, that crying Cheryl shot was magnificent…very cliche, but so goddamn well done.
  97. Cheryl, don’t go on a murder spree please
  98. Please?
  99. Oh shit, I am feeling very uncomfortable now…
  100. So it wasn’t a sex tape, just Clifford Blossom taking the ring from Jason and killing his own son – a much more normal thing than what I was expecting, I feel quite relieved.
  101. Told you those were murder eyes.
  102. …and that FP was protecting Jughead.
  103. Wait, why is this playing out like this is the final episode? Aren’t there thirteen episodes?
  104. What weird synchronization with Cheryl and Penelope…
  105. Huh, not totally unexpected for Clifford
  106. Wait, what are in those packets? Brown heroin?
  107. Oh, there is one more episode, whew…
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